You Don’t Have to Fix Someone to Support Them

When someone you love is going through something difficult, I think one of the hardest things is feeling completely useless.

You can see that they’re struggling. You want to make it better. So naturally, your brain starts searching for solutions. What can I say? What can I do? Who can I contact? How can I make this easier?

Sometimes we become so focused on finding the right answer that we forget something really simple.

They might not need us to have one.

Sometimes they need to talk. Sometimes they need practical help. Sometimes they want advice. Sometimes they need space. And sometimes they just want to sit on the sofa, drink a cuppa and talk absolute rubbish for half an hour because they’re exhausted from whatever they’re going through being the subject of every conversation.

The problem is, unless we ask, we’re guessing.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the difference between helping someone and trying to fix things for them. They aren’t always the same thing.

Helping might mean asking, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring this out?” It might mean picking something up from the shop, making dinner, giving them a lift or sending a message that doesn’t need a reply.

It might mean sitting quietly beside them when there genuinely aren’t any words.

We can get uncomfortable with silence. We feel like we should say something profound or reassuring, especially when someone tells us something painful. But you don’t need the perfect words. Sometimes “That sounds really hard. I’m here,” is enough.

And sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is allow somebody to feel whatever they’re feeling without immediately trying to turn it into something positive.

Not everything needs a silver lining.

If someone’s life has changed in a way they never wanted or expected, they might be angry. Scared. Exhausted. Confused. They might grieve the life they thought they were going to have.

They should be allowed to say that without someone immediately telling them everything happens for a reason.

You can offer hope without pretending everything is okay.

There is another side to supporting somebody that we don’t talk about nearly enough, though.

What happens to the person standing beside them?

When someone is going through something huge, understandably, the attention is on them. People ask how they’re doing. Whether they’re coping. What they need.

But the people who love them are going through something too.

You can understand why somebody has withdrawn and still miss them.

You can know they’re struggling and still find things difficult.

You can desperately want to support them and still feel tired, frightened, frustrated or completely out of your depth.

Those feelings don’t cancel out your love for them.

And caring about someone doesn’t mean becoming responsible for their entire wellbeing. You can be an important part of someone’s support system without becoming the whole thing.

You can care without carrying everything.

This is something I’ve found myself thinking about more and more while building Nova.

There is so much information about what to do when you’re struggling, and rightly so. But when you’re standing beside someone whose life has suddenly changed, it can be surprisingly difficult to know where you fit into the picture.

How much space do you give them?

What do you say when they withdraw?

When should you encourage outside help?

How do you support them without taking over?

And who supports you while you’re trying to support them?

So I’ve been quietly building something new behind the scenes at Nova Rising Soul.

I’m not quite ready to show you everything yet, but it’s something I care deeply about and something I think has been missing from the wellbeing conversation for far too long.

A space for life’s difficult chapters.

For the person going through them, yes, but also for the partners, friends, parents, siblings and other people quietly standing beside them wondering:

“What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Maybe you don’t need to know exactly what to do.

Maybe you don’t need the perfect words.

Maybe you don’t need to fix them at all.

Sometimes supporting someone is simply letting them know:

I’m here. I’m listening. And you don’t have to walk through this bit alone. 💛

Nova Rising Soul x